There is no real easy way to explain it but for the last couple of weeks I have fallen into what can only be described as despair!!
I absolutely hate feeling like it, but am also very reluctant to go and see a Dr as the last thing I want is to rely on drugs to give me a lift.
I have been feeling a bit crook lately, nothing drastic just a persistent cough with the resultant snot etc making me feel nauseous. I have felt totally and utterly exhausted and have been sleeping for hours, if I was working hard I could understand that, but hard work for me is a long distant memory. I have completely lost all motivation to do anything and I mean anything. Im eating crap which I know is bad I just cant be bothered to make anything decent, thankfully I have stopped drinking apart from the occasional beer or small glass of wine. The good thing is I have lost 5 kilos of weight in about 10 days!
My self diagnosis is......
Obviously Elaine dying has left a hole in my life that can never ever be filled in. I can't ever see a relationship happening with another person. Elaine was just too special, noone could ever fill her shoes. I do miss female company though.
Selling the motorhome has removed my escape vehicle, before it was easy to take off with the dogs, now its just too hard.
The boaters have now all returned to the canals for the summer, I do miss them, they are a great group of people.
Its only been a few weeks since poor old mum died and one of mine and Elaine's best friends is in hospital slowly recovering from a stroke.
My thought are that all these things have come to a head and i'm struggling to move on....
On the positive side....
Im living in a fantastic spot.
Im living in a brilliant villa overlooking the Med.
Im debt free and barring a world disaster I should be financially secure to never have to work again.
I love my little doggies to death, they are keeping me going without a doubt.
I have great family and friends in the UK plus there are still a lot of lovely people here in Mojacar who are very understanding of my situation.
So there you go its seems a ridiculous situation where I have so much going for me but feel so empty and hopeless.
Hopefully my next blog post will be a bit more positive, I actually feel a bit better just writing this down, so who knows, perhaps its just a glitch in my confused head!!