Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Falling Into A Black Hole..

There is no real easy way to explain it but for the last couple of weeks I have fallen into what can only be described as despair!!

I absolutely hate feeling like it, but am also very reluctant to go and see a Dr as the last thing I want is to rely on drugs to give me a lift.

I have been feeling a bit crook lately, nothing drastic just a persistent cough with the resultant  snot etc making me feel nauseous.  I have felt totally and utterly exhausted and have been sleeping for hours, if I was working hard I could understand that, but hard work for me is a long distant memory. I have completely lost all motivation to do anything and I mean anything. Im eating crap which I know is bad I just cant be bothered to make anything decent, thankfully I have stopped drinking apart from the occasional beer or small glass of wine. The good thing is I have lost 5 kilos of weight in about 10 days!

My self diagnosis is......

Obviously Elaine dying has left a hole in my life that can never ever be filled in. I can't ever see a relationship happening with another person. Elaine was just too special, noone could ever fill her shoes. I do miss female company though.

Selling the motorhome has removed my escape vehicle, before it was easy to take off with the dogs,  now its just too hard.

The boaters have now all returned to the canals for the summer, I do miss them, they are a great group of people.

Its only been a few weeks since poor old mum died and one of mine and Elaine's best friends is in hospital slowly recovering from a stroke.

My thought are that all these things have come to a head and i'm struggling to move on....

On the positive side....

Im living in a fantastic spot.

Im living in a brilliant villa overlooking the Med.

Im debt free and barring a world disaster I should be financially secure to never have to work again.

I love my little doggies to death, they are keeping me going without a doubt.

I have great family and friends in the UK  plus there are still a lot of lovely people here in Mojacar who are very understanding of my situation.

So there you go its seems a ridiculous situation where I have so much going for me but feel so empty and hopeless.

Hopefully my next blog post will be a bit more positive, I actually feel a bit better just writing this down, so who knows, perhaps its just a glitch in my confused head!!



  1. I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, Paul. I rather suspect it comes with the territory of losing your life partner and is compounded by the loss of your Mum, the motor home and fellow boaters in Mojocar. What I would say is that if you don't shake off the cold soon and continue to lose weight, then you should consider going to see a doctor. Take care - I hope things pick up soon. Jennie, nb Tentatrice

  2. It's probably understandable Paul. You've well and truly had the rug pulled out from under you over the last 12 months. But El wouldn't want you to feel this and would be telling you to start thinking positively (your 2nd to last sentence reflects this!).

    Shake off the black dog mate!

  3. OK so you have gone a long way by blogging about how you feel. Loosing Elaine has been a huge wrench and now you feel completely lost. But Elaine would not want you to be like this. She wants you to continue, and continue to be happy after she is not there. I think this is something you should do...... For her eh? xx

  4. No one is ever going to fill Elaine's place Paul but they will fill their 'own' place in your life when you meet them.
    Action helps in the fight against depression, one positive thing each morning, afternoon and evening. Write a list of what you aim to do over the next week, walk the dogs to a different destination, wash the car, prepare a lunch, paint a room, take up yoga whatever....physical activity helps to fight back against depression every time.
    In the meantime, here is a a hug.

  5. Hi Paul, some good positive comments here, but no one can feel how you feel and you're still deep into the grieving process I guess. No comparison I know but I get the winter blues and use herbal remedies, St Johns Wort tablets or tea bags (internet) do help me. Did I recall you saying you may look at camper vans rathe than motorhomes, maybe give you back a bit of 'explorability'. I think Lesley's advice is spot on, action releases endorphins - its what I try and do. Take care.

  6. Thanks Guys....it helps a lot believe me xxx

  7. We really feel for you Paul grief is a terrible thing and can come and go at a moment's notice or go on for what seems like forever. Perhaps you need something to focus on a project or something, perhaps that will give you a bit of an oomph to get you going again. Our thoughts are often with you! xx